Bad, Naughty Mommy Tries to Buy a Swimsuit

It's been said and done and resaid and redone, but it's true: the single worst thing a woman can do for her self esteem is try on swimsuits.

Friday (while doing the aforementioned activity) I learned the following:

• I have no waist
• short legs
• a GIGANTIC bum
• hips the size of Everest
• NO breasts WHATsoever
• tiny (AND ASYMMETRICAL!) shoulders
• a belly lump the size of the Matterhorn (and NOT the Disney one!)
• NO breasts (I learned that a few times, so I had to relist it)
• a misplaced belly button
• flat/funky nipples
• cellulite like the dairy section
• and I look terrible without makeup under store lighting.
• Oh, and I'm short.
• And akward-looking.
• And I have super-long ape arms.

In other words, I'm going to keep swimming in my current swimsuit until I've lost SO much body mass that it eventually just slides off me while I swim. And then I'm going to buy a wetsuit. Bad, Naughty Mommy wins again. (Or, considering the list I've just made, Nature wins and God is laughing...same diff.)