Backside Bulimia

I'm on alli. It's great. I've lost about 20 lbs since I started it, and I can eat just about anything I want and not gain weight. (I have kids, people, let's be real. Your butt collects fat, your underarms collect fat, your boobs...well, they deflate just to tease you, but everywhere else? BRING ON THE ALLI!)

That's not what it's for, you argue. That's true...but since I'm no longer feeling the same desperation to lose weight, alli now has another use: backside bulimia.

You see, I can eat anything I want - fatty, calorie-laden, or downright obscene - and I don't have to vomit it up...I'd never want to do that. What was the point in the first place? Instead, I take an alli and, after some uncomfortable cramping (nothing for someone who has been hospitalized for menstrual cramps) EVERYTHING comes out the other end. When there's that much fat in a meal, your body doesn't discriminate, you see...mix it with a little alli, and everything drops out the bottom.

Oh, if I were disciplined, I'd be losing weight still. And I may yet. I haven't reached my goal weight yet, and though I am well within the normal BMI of the average-framed woman for my height, my goal is 10-15 lbs from here. But when you've already lost 20, the difference is not nearly as big as it used to be. And I can focus on really losing weight during the weeks my husband is out of town, being reasonable (or unreasonable!) in the meantime. Who cares? Alli takes care of all of it.

If I'm being honest with myself, the "treatment effects" never bothered me in the first place. I'm naturally gassy, I've had horrendous cramps all my life, and I'm not easily (okay, never) embarrassed, so a death-scented grease fart causes barely a blush. Eh. And again, if I'm being honest, pizza grease streaming from my rear end is a comfort. Treatment effects rock. WHY? Because that's fat that is NOT being absorbed by my already-voluminous butt. Oily discharge during the passing of gas is a comfort, not a challenge. I get to see firsthand proof of the fat not adhering itself to my thighs. I imagine it's the way a bulimic feels watching the food splash into the toilet. Except I'm still getting enough calories to be healthy, preserving my reproductive organs, and retaining the enamel on my teeth.

So I have Backside Bulimia. So what? Costco makes it a reasonable investment, and alli gives me the freedom, the confidence, and the power to do exactly as I please. Hallelujah to that!